Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Examples of Subversive Political "Street Humour"


'How will we know that communism has arrived?'
--'It will be declared by radio and in the newspapers. If people haveTVs, they'll be informed by TV.'

'Tell me-is this already communism or will it be worse yet?

A socialist, a capitalist and a communist agreed to meet. The socialist was late. 'Excuse me for being late, I was standing in a queue for sausages.'
'And what is a queue?'
the capitalist asked.
'And what is a sausage?' the communist asked.


One man to another: 'Because of communism I will have a plane!'
'What do you need a plane for?'
'Well what if suddenly, say, flour is being given out in Kalug. Fly for half an hour--and I'm there!'

'Is it true that because of communism products can be ordered by phone?'
'It's true. But they will be given out by TV.'

Communism has come!
'Hello, Manka, turn on your color TV! Red caviar is being shown.'


Will there be KGB in communism? No, by then people will have learned to arrest themselves.
Brezhnev asked the Pope, 'Why do people believe in a Catholic paradise, but refuse to believe in a communist paradise?'
'Because we don't show our paradise!'

Is communism a science?'
'No. If it were a science, it would have been tested on dogs first.'
-
Lenin showed us how to govern. Stalin showed us how not to govern. Khrushchev showed us that any fool can govern. And Brezhnev showed us that not every fool can govern.
Why was Andropov and then Chernenko unanimously chosen by the Politburo?- Because Andropov had the worst prognosis of the kidneys, and Chernenko the worst cardiogram.

A citizen came to the funeral of Chernenko.
'Your ticket!' a guard demanded.
'For these performances I have a season ticket!


What is the difference between the two newspapers "The Truth" and "The News"?
In "The Truth" there is no news, and in the "The News" there is no truth.

--Alexander the Great, Caesar and Napoleon observed the army parade in Red Square, as honorable visitors.
'If I had Soviet tanks,' Alexander said, 'I would have been invincible!'
'If I had Soviet planes,' Caesar speaks, 'I could have conquered the whole world!'
'And if I had had the newspaper "The Truth",' Napoleon said, 'the world, even now, would not have found out about Waterloo!'


What is economic reform?
An injection into an artificial limb.

Brezhnev called together a group of cosmonauts. 'Comrades! The Americans have landed on the Moon. We here have consulted and have decided that you will go to the Sun!'
'But we will burn up, Leonid Iljich!'
'Be not afraid, comrades, the Party has thought of everything. You will leave at night.'


On Armenian radio there came a question from abroad: 'Is it true that in the USSR the pay does not correspond to the work?
'Incorrect. It corresponds quite well. They pretend to pay and we pretend to work.'

What will the harvest be like this year?
Average: worse, than last year, but better than next year.
There was a question on Armenian radio for which there was no answer: If all countries became socialist, where would we buy grain?

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are praising their wives.'When my wife goes for a ride,' the Englishman says, 'herlegs drag on the ground. Not because the horse is small, butbecause my wife has long beautiful legs!'
'I embrace my wife around the waist with only two fingers,' says the Frenchman, 'not because I have a big hand, but because my wife has a slim waist!'
'Before leaving for work,' says the Russian, 'I slap my wife's behind. And when I come back from work, her behind is still shaking. It's not because my wife has a big flabby ass, but because in the USSR we have the shortest working day in the world!'

When did the first Soviet elections take place? When God put Eve before Adam and said: 'Choose yourself a wife!'

'Comrades!' - Brezhnev addressed the people by radio. 'I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that for the next seven years we shall eat only shit! The good news is that it will be plentiful!

The seven miracles of the Soviet Authority:

1. There is no unemployment, yet nobody works.
2. Nobody works, yet the Grand Scheme is carried out.
3. The Grand Scheme is carried out, yet there is nothing to buy.
4. There is nothing to buy, yet there are lineups everywhere.
5. There are lineups everywhere, yet everyone has everything.
6. Everyone has everything yet everyone is dissatisfied.
7. Everyone is dissatisfied, yet everyone votes 'Yes'.

Why is the Soviet Sun so joyful in the morning ?
Because it knows that by evening it will be in the West.

'Who's your father?' the teacher asked Vovo.
'Comrade Stalin!'
'And who's your mother?'
'The Soviet native land!'
'And what do you want to become?'
'An orphan!'



In a prison:
'How many years did you get?
'Twenty-five.'
'For what?'
'For nothing.'
'You're lying! For nothing they give ten.'
Under the specified theory of historical materialism between Socialism and Communism the intermediate stage is inevitably-alcoholism.



-- Translated by Troy Morash

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha ...what's a sausage.

Roger

Craig Williamson said...

Another one:

One man speaking to another:

"All it would take is 100 nuclear bombs in 100 suitcases to defeat the United States".

"Are you crazy? Where would be find 100 suitcases?"