Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Advice for Dictators

Attention dictators:

First of all, don't try to shut down social media. It not only will not work, but it will make you look stupid and out of touch with reality.

Secondly, don't release criminals to create instability. No one is going to come back into your "loving" arms through this approach. They are just going to be angry about the crimes committed by these people and that will not aid you in your efforts to control every aspect of people's lives. If they believe your policies to be dumb, they will have trouble respecting you.

Thirdly, realize that the sun does not rise just because you did. Those two are not causal. Realize that if you act like you brought the sun up, people will think you are arrogant. You should try to at least appear to be humble...sort of like the tech savy, well dressed, slightly dishelved guy who never leaves the garage. That will earn you sympathy and will create the appearance that you spend all day working rather lounging around in your 19th century smoking jacket. Always appear in public carrying a few file folders. Always been seen with your fingers sliding along an ipad with a blackberry in your pocket.

Finally, try to allow people to do as they please under the blanket of your paternal care. This will create the impression that you create a safe place for people to live while you simply control the economy, the military and most other government functions. If you have to curtail a right or two, do so with a woeful look and a tear in the eye. Say things like, it can't be helped because "my children" have dissapointed me. People will think you are a bit nuts, but a kindly nuts.

Always be seen in sweaters and be seen with lots of kittens. But not cats. Cats will make you look too weird. Also, no major visible eccentrities like high heal shoes (assuming you are male...of course you're male) bouffant hair styles, flowerly frocks, or silly hats. Go for the earlier mentioned slightly nerdy, but in touch modern guy who has been working all day on some new research project.

Drive a regular car, but have a nice house that is fairly visible and seems to have little security. Inside of your house should have lots of security features. But, the outside of your house should make you look like a regular guy. If you've not been able to meet a female, hire a live in actor. Offer a good salary. Her real husband can always move in and pretend to be the gardener or something. That way no one will be surprised if they actually see her sleeping with him. Everyone knows from watching T.V that all women sleep with their gardeners.

Have a couple of big dogs outside. Take them for walks from time to time. If you have trouble with crowds, do a little Pierre Trudeau run with a big smile on your face. Like you are some sort of superstar. Hire a group of teenage girls to chase you around everywhere if you have to.
Back on the tech stuff. Convenietly be seen looking at interesting magazines, casually checking out MTV, or leave an iphone with lots of info that you know will leak out. Include lots of wholesome but somewhat cool pop music. Taylor Swift might be a bit far, but you get the idea. Also, make sure the books or other materials are news related, or something that makes you look like Joe Blow instead of Joe Blowyourheaddov.

When people shout at you when you are on your balcony, wave and smile. Take some pictures. If you occassionally here a bad line. Just look deeply hurt, and walk back inside. The next day, go to a religious place and be seen loudly asking a religious figure for help to save your horrible soul. Tell the world about your conversion. Go on a book tour. If worst comes to worst, go into rehab. Blame your years of abuse on your latent drug addiction. Appoint a temporary government, and then come back in when everyone forgets that you haven't actually gone nuts.
Whatever you do, don't look to arrogant and don't curtail rights. This will just backfire. Allow people to talk about you, and argue back point by point.

No comments: